Written by: Claudio Celestino

When a child is born people are usually very quick to try and identify whether the child looks more like the mother or the father. After the first few months the physical features may change and then after some years they may even change some more. But our human nature is to find a link back to the parents, to try and identify whether the child is more like the mother or the father.

Later on in life as children begin to speak and act out there own life experience, we begin to see certain patterns of behaviour which we once again relate to the parents. Maybe the child begins to speak at an early age and the mother remembers being told that she also spoke at an early age. Or perhaps the child enjoys drawing or animals and the father remembers that this was what he enjoyed at the same age. And so on and so on. And so the patterns begin to make themselves known and we continue to see links back to the parents.

As children grow into young adults and begin their own life experience in relationships, other patterns begin to play out which in most cases are completely unconscious. These unconscious patterns are often connected to the parents, grandparents, ancestors and other relatives. The unconscious learnt behavioural patterns which the child experienced growing up watching his parents are the same patterns which his parent learnt watching their parents and their parents before them. And so he takes on these patterns and entanglements as his own without any awareness of where they came from and why he does what he does.

As a parent, we now look at our own children and even though we have given them love and all the physical needs they require, they still experience difficulties and struggles which can not be explained. The typical reaction is to take our child off to a therapist because we believe the problem lies with them. Understanding the systemic influence on the child could spear them from this un-necessary process of psychological evaluation. Understanding our systemic family entanglements could create a healing opportunity for both the child you the parent without the poking and prodding of our children.

Sigmund Freud believed that all our patterns and behaviours were born out of our relationship with our parents or caregivers from birth until the age of 6. He believed that from the way our parents treated us and behaved around us as babies and from the way we observed our parents and other caregivers, so we became who we are today. According to Freud, all our life trauma and psychological patterns are born out of these early years of development. His belief and theory stands strong even today with most psychologist still following his process of psychological evaluation and treatment. (Psychoanalytical Therapy). Since Freud we have seen many new ideas and theories and as with everything in this world, these new ideas grow and develop and grow again. One example of this in the field of personal growth and human development and family therapy is the ground breaking work done by a German family therapist called Dr Bert Hellinger.

Now interestingly, Bert Hellinger had some very strong roots in South Africa before he became a psychologist, family therapist and one of Europe’s most innovative and provocative systemic therapists. For more then 16 years, Hellinger lived in South Africa working as a priest and as a missioner, living with the Zulu people. During his time here he was fascinated with the Zulu connection, acknowledgement and respect for their ancestors. Hellinger experienced that for the Zulu people, the ancestors were not dead family members, but important sources for strength and support. He experienced how the Zulu’s acknowledge the role the ancestors played in their lives and the effect that they continued to have on them and the future generations.

With this experience, Hellinger returned to Germany to study psychology as well as many other therapeutic techniques and quickly became known as the top family therapist in Germany. In his search for effective methods for helping families and individuals with their relationships, he developed a tool which he called ‘Family Constellation’. (The term “Family Constellation” seems to be adopted from the psychoanalyst Alfred Adler who was both a colleague and student of Sigmund Freud). In his work, Hellinger has combined elements of many different therapies into present day Systemic Family Constellations. There is a mystical quality apparent in constellations that has been labeled phenomenological by Dr. Bert Hellinger. Now in his 80’s, Hellinger has expanded the family constellation concept to include health and organizational constellations as well as cultural ones. He has also worked successfully with the descendants of Nazis’ and survivors of the holocaust. Through his work with families and couples Hellinger discovered an apparent ancient system called the “Orders of Love.” These provide a framework of basic rules or guide lines, which are believed to be necessary to promote healthy family and individual dynamics.

His discovery of the “Orders of Love” include simple “laws” which, when thwarted or violated in some way, keep families entangled through many generations. Those orders are: 1) Every member of the family has the right to belong equally and is respected regardless of personal qualities or fate 2) Whoever came first will take the first position and all the others will follow in order 3) Each person has to carry his or her own fate no matter how terrible or difficult 4) There is a need for balance and compensation which includes justice, the balance in giving and taking and a sense of rights and responsibilities

In his book “Love’s Hidden Symmetry” Hellinger states, “These needs constrain our relationships, and also make them possible, because they both reflect and enable our fundamental human need to relate intimately to others.” According to Hellinger, disrespecting a family’s birth order hierarchy or failing to honor a member’s equal right to belong to a system, for instance, are both outside of the Orders of Love. Ignoring or disobeying these Orders creates entanglements that reach across generations.

The orders can also be broken unwittingly in different ways: E.g. A child or young adult may have died and not been mourned; an extra-marital affair may have been kept secret; previous partners may not have been acknowledged or honored between couples; a child may have been given away for adoption and no longer talked about; babies aborted may not have been acknowledged and mourned. In short, when family secrets are kept, the laws are broken. The pain resulting from such entanglements continues in future generations when those secrets are not brought to light.

Following these laws of the “Order of Love” a constellation will show that a family member carries the destiny from a relative into his/her own family, despite the fact that this person may have lived two or more generations before. Then, once this is seen in a constellation, we are able to heal the relationship and bring balance and order back into the family system.

Family Constellations can help release a person from the trans-generational dynamics that restrict them in life. It gives the participants an opportunity to free future generations and heal current relationships. This is a revolutionary dynamic and evolving therapy that allows clients to see life situations from a new perspective relatively quickly. At a time when mindfulness is becoming more a part of our life process and many of us are aware of moving towards a more holistic approach in counselling and psychotherapy we are fortunate to have Family Constellations now here in South Africa. This work addresses the individual on an intellectual, emotional and spiritual level.

This is truly something that needs to be experienced to be fully understood and without doubt is a gentle yet effective way of uncovering life’s mystery and brining balance back to the family system.