Love in couples relationships

Written by: Claudio Celestino

Finding the way back to love through the method of Family Constellations work.

Most of us are familiar with the love relationship cycle and have probably experienced it many times in their lives. The cycle has a flow from dynamic explosive love, into the day to day love of a familiar face and environment. The honeymoon phase (as it is commonly called) carries our relationships in the early months and for the lucky ones, this honey moon phase can last a couple of years. During this phase of the cycle, everyone deals with each other in a good way and is able to express tolerance and unconditional love for the other. This first phase of love is built on the foundation of good intentions. These good intentions are to love our partner, support them through all of life’s circumstances and to love the one we are with till death do us part. Well, as we all know sometimes these good intentions are not enough to survive the test of time. As we know, after the honeymoon phase is over, this unconditional love and tolerance is tested at every corner and at every unpredictable moment.

So why does this happen and how can we break this cycle. Well, let’s put things into some kind of perspective. 

We all know that when two people come together, they bring a certain amount of….well, let’s call it baggage. They come from two different families, maybe even different countries and cultures. They each have their own set of ideals, customs, ethics, morals etc (let’s call these patterns). They also carry with them an energy that belongs to their family system. We can look at it as a strong force which belongs to any Family System. These force's that hold and support a family system is with us always and is in a constant motion towards creating balance in the system. The system is in balance when everyone who belongs to the wider family (including the one’s who have past) is acknowledged, integrated and able to take his/her rightful place and if there is a fair exchange of giving and receiving. When looking into events happening in our families most of us will realize that this is often not the case. Family members are excluded, forgotten and not talked about. This has consequences for the rest of the family members which are often felt in a negative and unhealthy way (see the case study below). With all the existing patterns and forces of a human system coming together in one person it is not easy to create a stable human being, let alone combining them from two whole family systems. No matter how spiritually evolved we may seem, or claim to be, we all carry with us the patterns, habits, idiosyncrasies and burdens belonging to our parents, our grandparents and other ancestors and we are all influenced by the strong forces that rules the wellbeing of our families. Like we carry their DNA, we also carry there patterns. Whether we like it or not, we are like our mothers and fathers.

At the start of a relationship, most of these entrenched family patterns are hidden and maybe not activated. Over time, as we relax into our relationships these patterns begin to play out and get trigged by some of the patterns our partners carry. Most of these patterns activate deep unconscious dynamics. These unconscious dynamics play out time and time again in different relationships. We have all experienced this in our lives. The habit of always attracting the same kind of men or women. With so many influences on both sides of a relationship, it’s no wonder that we always get ourselves into trouble. We know our patterns…but where do they come from and why can we not change them?

The most common solution has always been to go for therapy or separate to resolve relationship conflict. Although most common therapies have some effect and are helpful to a point….if the un-known dynamics are not seen, we will continue to play out our family relationship patterns and will continue to disrupt the natural flow of love in all our relationships. As a parent it is our responsibility to look at theses patterns to ensure that our children do not have to carry them.

An effective powerful method that can help you see these dynamics in an easy and astonishing quick way is the therapeutic work of Family Constellations. Family Constellations was founded by a German Psychotherapist called Bert Hellinger in the 80’s and has spread around the world since the early 90’s. Over the past 5 years Constellations Work has established itself here in South Africa with facilitators now in almost all its major cities.

Family Constellations is an experiential process work done in a group or in an individual session. This method allows us to see our family system in a clear way, revealing the dynamics and the forces of the system that disrupt the flow of love in our lives today. The root of a dynamic or pattern that we carry can lie anywhere in our family line going back 7 generations. Through the method of Family Constellations you will be able to identify the root cause of your problem and through a deep process of acknowledgement and acceptance we are able to heal the cause. By working at the core of the problem we are able to end the cycle and allow love to flow again. The method of Family Constellations has proven to be very effective and healing around the world for more than 20 years.

Over many years of working with couples, Bert Hellinger discovered some very common patterns and dynamics which when resolved is able to bring love and harmony back into any relationship. If of course the relationship is not to be reconciled, the method of Family Constellations can help to ensure that a couple separate in a good way. Separating in a good way, means minimal impact on children and has the effect of creating space for a new and loving relationship to emerge.

Family Constellations has revealed different influences coming out of our Family Systems:

These include:

• Early important relationships of parents or grandparents
• Any excluded family members
• Family members who suffered a difficult fate (physical or mental illness, early death)
• All unborn children (abortions, still born, miscarriages)